National Coming Out Day was founded in 1988. The Closet was still more of a thing. Today, every day is coming out day.
Every day that we come out of the house, we are coming out. There are elements of comfort, confidence, and not giving a fuck mixed with apprehension. I'm happy to be holding hands with my wife and I don't care if that old lady is staring at us, or if that little kid is giving us a funny look. But I do admit to apprehension about being seen by students I teach. I worry about having to deal with attitudes and hostility and reactions of parents. I don't work in a place that I can trust will be behind me in a pinch and respond to negativity with support.
We probably do encounter more openly positive responses to us than negative ones, so it bothers me that I still feel apprehensive. I want to do better, be more confident, more oblivious to the possible disapproval of the people around us. I want to carry that confidence throughout myself and feel capable of handling whatever comes at us or at me.
Being married and in love and participating in all of the parts of life with my wife is a continuous source of joy that is uncontainable. I don't want to contain it. I want to let it spill out. And I do.
Every day. And in the midst of the worry that I feel, I remind myself of the incredible trials that our community went through to get us to this point. I can't refuse to take on my own while experiencing the momentous successes of today.
I think it's important for everyone to realize that being out of the closet is not a static condition. It is a conscious decision about how to live. It is beautiful, it is normal, it is the foundation of the strength and vitality of our love.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Saying No to Shaving
Last fall Jessica and I decided to stop shaving everything, including armpits. It was fall and nothing was showing, so it was basically just an extended No-Shave-November kind of experiment.
I learned that when my leg hair gets long, I can feel the wind blow through it when I run.
I also learned that body hair, specifically armpit hair but leg hair to a lesser degree, is something that people feel very comfortable commenting on. Bluntly. When I told people what I was doing, quite a few told me upfront that that is disgusting. One even gagged a little like the thought of it would make her puke.
When spring came, we agreed to shave. I was wavering on letting it all hang out, and shaving seemed like the easier thing to do. Jessica said she was shaving, and I did it, too.
Once. I found that having shaved armpits was uncomfortable. It felt sticky and wrong, so I didn't do it again.
Over the months of summer, I did sometimes feel uncomfortable. My sister commented on it when I took off my shirt at the Full M00n 25k, and I was disappointed in myself for putting my arms down in embarrassment instead of keeping them up and waving them around. It's just hair, it grows naturally, it's more comfortable to me, and the only way to make other people feel comfortable with it is to appear comfortable myself.
I got used to leaving the house in tank tops without thinking about it and I liked that.
When Mindy put together the sports bra 5k at the Milk Run, I knew that this would be a double for me--running with my belly out is not a big deal to me. I got over that discomfort some time ago. But running in just a sports bra with my armpit hair showing was a bigger deal. All the other women in the group were baring bellies, but none were unshaven.
It wasn't a huge deal, obviously. I was glad I did it, glad to be part of that group and glad to work on my own comfort.
I really don't get this compulsive shaving thing, though. I did it from the time I was probably ten because I didn't want to be different or weird or look ugly. That's it. It's still a challenge to not respond to the feeling of people finding my appearance unattractive, but I think it's something I need to do. Within the larger conversation of feminism that is happening now, this is an interesting topic to explore.
I'll be over here twirling my armpit hair if you want to talk about it.
I learned that when my leg hair gets long, I can feel the wind blow through it when I run.
I also learned that body hair, specifically armpit hair but leg hair to a lesser degree, is something that people feel very comfortable commenting on. Bluntly. When I told people what I was doing, quite a few told me upfront that that is disgusting. One even gagged a little like the thought of it would make her puke.
When spring came, we agreed to shave. I was wavering on letting it all hang out, and shaving seemed like the easier thing to do. Jessica said she was shaving, and I did it, too.
Once. I found that having shaved armpits was uncomfortable. It felt sticky and wrong, so I didn't do it again.
Over the months of summer, I did sometimes feel uncomfortable. My sister commented on it when I took off my shirt at the Full M00n 25k, and I was disappointed in myself for putting my arms down in embarrassment instead of keeping them up and waving them around. It's just hair, it grows naturally, it's more comfortable to me, and the only way to make other people feel comfortable with it is to appear comfortable myself.
I got used to leaving the house in tank tops without thinking about it and I liked that.
When Mindy put together the sports bra 5k at the Milk Run, I knew that this would be a double for me--running with my belly out is not a big deal to me. I got over that discomfort some time ago. But running in just a sports bra with my armpit hair showing was a bigger deal. All the other women in the group were baring bellies, but none were unshaven.
It wasn't a huge deal, obviously. I was glad I did it, glad to be part of that group and glad to work on my own comfort.
I really don't get this compulsive shaving thing, though. I did it from the time I was probably ten because I didn't want to be different or weird or look ugly. That's it. It's still a challenge to not respond to the feeling of people finding my appearance unattractive, but I think it's something I need to do. Within the larger conversation of feminism that is happening now, this is an interesting topic to explore.
I'll be over here twirling my armpit hair if you want to talk about it.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
It was about minumum wage.
It's ironic that I left facebook because I didn't want to hear what everyone thought about everything and now I'm going to say what I think about these things, but right now, you can back out if you don't want to know what I think.
One of the last things that lead to my deciding to stay away from facebook was the minimum wage debate. What bothered me specifically was seeing my friends rant about how stupid/silly/crazy the people are who want the minimum wage raised to $15/hour. Here are some of the things I read and my responses.
1. These jobs are fine for teenagers and people just starting out, but then you need to move on, get training, go to school.... AKA if you don't like the pay, find a new job.
Teenagers are at school during the day, so for 40 hours a week, they aren't even part of the equation. All the people who are making breakfast and handing out morning coffees and sodas are beyond high school. And even if a fast food/minimum wage job "isn't meant to be a career," or whatever, the people working there need to be able to live however simply for the time they are working there. We use their labor! Unless we are willing for them to be paid enough to live on, we are exploiting them, nothing less. We will always need people to do these jobs. If everyone went on to college or other training and moved up, there would be no one left to make crappy fast food.
2. I only make blah blah blah, so it's "not fair" for people working fast food to make that much. OR people in blah blah blah job only make such and such...
Stop measuring your worth or the worth of other people by how much more you or they make than others. If we you aren't happy with where you are, lobby for yourself, not against other people. Seriously, my worth is not measured by how many people are below me on the pay scale.
3. More money is ok, but not $15/hour...
You have to start somewhere in negotiations, and we all know that you start higher than where you expect to end up. Also, this is Arkansas, where $15 an hour sounds like more than it does in other places.
4. If we pay more for minimum wage, all the prices will go up and then it will be the same as it was.
This one is conjecture, and I bet there has always been plenty of it over the years as the work force worked for rights and protections. I wonder what happened when little kids couldn't go to work in the factories anymore?
5. Socialism!
None of my actual friends have said this, but that's part of the problem with facebook--the inability to keep friends of friends from engaging with me. If I did not add you as a friend, I don't want to know what you think.
Really, it's not so much the fact that I have friends who think these things. It's the lack of compassion that I hear ringing through the words I've read.
People working for minimum wage as it is now are always one mishap or problem away from disaster. I am so so damn fortunate. If I get sick, I take a sick day. Broken down car? I have savings, or !!! I could go buy a new one with my bomb ass credit score. God. How can so many people just shrug and tell hypothetical people to suck it up and go to college if they don't like it?
I realize that raising minumum wage isn't a cure for everything, or that much of anything, or that maybe it could even make more problems that it fixes. But the people making it right now are real people who are trying to get by.
One of the last things that lead to my deciding to stay away from facebook was the minimum wage debate. What bothered me specifically was seeing my friends rant about how stupid/silly/crazy the people are who want the minimum wage raised to $15/hour. Here are some of the things I read and my responses.
1. These jobs are fine for teenagers and people just starting out, but then you need to move on, get training, go to school.... AKA if you don't like the pay, find a new job.
Teenagers are at school during the day, so for 40 hours a week, they aren't even part of the equation. All the people who are making breakfast and handing out morning coffees and sodas are beyond high school. And even if a fast food/minimum wage job "isn't meant to be a career," or whatever, the people working there need to be able to live however simply for the time they are working there. We use their labor! Unless we are willing for them to be paid enough to live on, we are exploiting them, nothing less. We will always need people to do these jobs. If everyone went on to college or other training and moved up, there would be no one left to make crappy fast food.
2. I only make blah blah blah, so it's "not fair" for people working fast food to make that much. OR people in blah blah blah job only make such and such...
Stop measuring your worth or the worth of other people by how much more you or they make than others. If we you aren't happy with where you are, lobby for yourself, not against other people. Seriously, my worth is not measured by how many people are below me on the pay scale.
3. More money is ok, but not $15/hour...
You have to start somewhere in negotiations, and we all know that you start higher than where you expect to end up. Also, this is Arkansas, where $15 an hour sounds like more than it does in other places.
4. If we pay more for minimum wage, all the prices will go up and then it will be the same as it was.
This one is conjecture, and I bet there has always been plenty of it over the years as the work force worked for rights and protections. I wonder what happened when little kids couldn't go to work in the factories anymore?
5. Socialism!
None of my actual friends have said this, but that's part of the problem with facebook--the inability to keep friends of friends from engaging with me. If I did not add you as a friend, I don't want to know what you think.
Really, it's not so much the fact that I have friends who think these things. It's the lack of compassion that I hear ringing through the words I've read.
People working for minimum wage as it is now are always one mishap or problem away from disaster. I am so so damn fortunate. If I get sick, I take a sick day. Broken down car? I have savings, or !!! I could go buy a new one with my bomb ass credit score. God. How can so many people just shrug and tell hypothetical people to suck it up and go to college if they don't like it?
I realize that raising minumum wage isn't a cure for everything, or that much of anything, or that maybe it could even make more problems that it fixes. But the people making it right now are real people who are trying to get by.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Why I've needed to leave facebook
I've been plotting my exodus from facebook for months. Would I go out with a nice, long goodbye post, or should I be more adult about it and just disappear? The attention-seeking part of me wanted to explain, and Jessica and I had decided that I would write my manifesto, take pictures of it, post it, and then she would change my password so I would have to stay out.
It sounded like a good plan to me, but then tonight I decided on another plan. Blog about all the things, all the reasons why I want to leave. Because I do have a desire to be heard, and the idea (however self-absorbed it may be) that I have something to offer.
All the reasons for wanting to leave facebook can be jumbled together in one category: too much knowledge. I don't need or want to know what all my friends think about every little thing. I just don't. It breeds a level of discontent within a friendship that may be unique to me, but it's there. It's not natural. And when I find all these things out about my friends without the requirement of face to face (or even phone) interaction, there's too much time to think without having to contribute to the conversation. So I find myself feeling discontent with people that I never would have felt discontent with, or, at least, I would have had to verbalize that discontent and deal with it on the spot.
Facebook lets people say things without the responsibility that they should have to their friends. When someone gets annoyed with someone, they don't have to deal with that person the way that friends really should. They can just post about it on facebook. Then their friends get to sit there and wonder, is this about me? What role did I play in this?
I just don't need to know what people that I genuinely like think about every little thing. Unless we would sit down and talk about it over coffee or beer, why should I be reading about it online? Facebook doesn't leave room for acquaintanceship, at least in many scenarios. I really do just want to see pictures of your kids and funny cat pictures and positive stories.
I've stayed because there are so many people that I don't see in real life and want to know about. Because of funny. Because of news. Because of not wanting to be disconnected.
But I still think that maybe my life would be better if I didn't have this continuous connection to facebook. If I had to take responsibility for passing my own time again. If the vast majority of my attention were focused on the physical world around me. If my only connection to people I call my friends were through actual effort that one of us has to expend.
For now I'm going to take a break and post blogs every week. In all the spare time I have, maybe I'll learn to rope and ride...
It sounded like a good plan to me, but then tonight I decided on another plan. Blog about all the things, all the reasons why I want to leave. Because I do have a desire to be heard, and the idea (however self-absorbed it may be) that I have something to offer.
All the reasons for wanting to leave facebook can be jumbled together in one category: too much knowledge. I don't need or want to know what all my friends think about every little thing. I just don't. It breeds a level of discontent within a friendship that may be unique to me, but it's there. It's not natural. And when I find all these things out about my friends without the requirement of face to face (or even phone) interaction, there's too much time to think without having to contribute to the conversation. So I find myself feeling discontent with people that I never would have felt discontent with, or, at least, I would have had to verbalize that discontent and deal with it on the spot.
Facebook lets people say things without the responsibility that they should have to their friends. When someone gets annoyed with someone, they don't have to deal with that person the way that friends really should. They can just post about it on facebook. Then their friends get to sit there and wonder, is this about me? What role did I play in this?
I just don't need to know what people that I genuinely like think about every little thing. Unless we would sit down and talk about it over coffee or beer, why should I be reading about it online? Facebook doesn't leave room for acquaintanceship, at least in many scenarios. I really do just want to see pictures of your kids and funny cat pictures and positive stories.
I've stayed because there are so many people that I don't see in real life and want to know about. Because of funny. Because of news. Because of not wanting to be disconnected.
But I still think that maybe my life would be better if I didn't have this continuous connection to facebook. If I had to take responsibility for passing my own time again. If the vast majority of my attention were focused on the physical world around me. If my only connection to people I call my friends were through actual effort that one of us has to expend.
For now I'm going to take a break and post blogs every week. In all the spare time I have, maybe I'll learn to rope and ride...
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